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Another Fool (fun original, my fave so far I think)

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1 hour ago, Collin571 said:

Your voice is very expressive, but the song is kind of slow and the lyrics are somewhat bland.  Of course this is my opinion but it would've been nice to have some mystery, intrigue or shocking material thrown in there.

ok champ...waiting on u to show me how. Whats your favorite song currently?

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15 hours ago, JonJon said:

Another 1 day wonder.

not 100% finished...needs bass gtr and some ad libs such as in the intro chorus

 

fun stuff    https://clyp.it/ccf4wf40

    I like it. You have a pretty good start. I would not worry about the lyrics being bland, my wife listens to a song where the ONLY lyrics are "Go on and Holler" "Let me here you Holler" "Holler" "Holler" " "Let me hear you Holler".   I hate that song.

    On those parts where you are starting to get higher in the song, you may be loosing the key center. Use your guitar and play the melody over the chords and see if you need to maybe sing a higher or lower note here and there to stay in key with the background music.

     I have to do this sometimes to help find the correct singing note.

     Love the guitar work.

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17 minutes ago, ronws said:

Molly Hatchet meets Ziggy Stardust. I liked it.

 

u killin me with the Molly Hatchet references lol. I dont hear ANYTHING im doing that sounds like DJB. If someone paid me to try to emulate Danny Joe id have to do something very different than what im doing lol

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1 hour ago, MDEW said:

    I like it. You have a pretty good start. I would not worry about the lyrics being bland, my wife listens to a song where the ONLY lyrics are "Go on and Holler" "Let me here you Holler" "Holler" "Holler" " "Let me hear you Holler".   I hate that song.

    On those parts where you are starting to get higher in the song, you may be loosing the key center. Use your guitar and play the melody over the chords and see if you need to maybe sing a higher or lower note here and there to stay in key with the background music.

     I have to do this sometimes to help find the correct singing note.

     Love the guitar work.

listening back with fresh ears, the only line im iffy about is "I did not know it then" (1:50)

 

I like the overall song as much or better than yesterday, which is a good thing. But id still say its not what I WANT to sound like overall...but it IS what I sound like so far lol

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46 minutes ago, ronws said:

Molly Hatchet meets Ziggy Stardust. I liked it.

 

btw, on the verse was going for Coverdale again lol...hard to get his style down. I did learn some stuff on this one though about being close or farther from the mic. Getting right up on the mic helped on some parts

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4 minutes ago, JonJon said:

listening back with fresh ears, the only line im iffy about is "I did not know it then" (1:50)

 

I like the overall song as much or better than yesterday, which is a good thing. But id still say its not what I WANT to sound like overall...but it IS what I sound like so far lol

Yes, that and the next line, "But I was runnin Blind". in the first verse there is a similar thing but it may just be an inflection not quite centered.

In responce to Rons suggestion of a slight Molly Hatchet sound........ I once tried to start a thread asking why people do not hear themselves as others do, even when listening to a recording. The thread did not take off because no one hears themselves the way that others do and could not understand that I was being serious.

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5 minutes ago, MDEW said:

Yes, that and the next line, "But I was runnin Blind". in the first verse there is a similar thing but it may just be an inflection not quite centered.

In responce to Rons suggestion of a slight Molly Hatchet sound........ I once tried to start a thread asking why people do not hear themselves as others do, even when listening to a recording. The thread did not take off because no one hears themselves the way that others do and could not understand that I was being serious.

the line at the end of the first verse "sometimes u feel like, u gotta get away"...is like my fave thing in the song almost lol. One thing about that line is the background chords go a little "out" of key as it builds.

check it https://clyp.it/5eqrzpep

the verse chords are F#m, Dmaj7, E...but then after the 2nd E it goes F#MAJOR with open B, D7th with open B....then prechorus is D7, E7

 

The F#major with open B is all exotic sounding but its really just the E chord slid up 2 frets lol

 

That all being said, im not sure of the exact notes im singing in that line "sometimes u feel like"...but to me it works even if it has a slightly unsettling sound due to the shifting chords. Listening to the iso vocals it sounds pretty centered to me...I think it just sounds a bit odd over the shifting chord center

for my ears, the tone on "you GOTTA" is the best tone ive put down so far. Is that a G#4?

here is some of the iso vx with processing https://clyp.it/v1hanzcg

nice error on the 2nd chorus, oopsy, I sang 'lord I DIDNT listen" and the double was "I WOULDNT listen" lol

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hehe, I could get fancy and do some reharmonizing. In other words take that vocal line and just change the chords under it. good stuff. I did that on guitar a long time ago with the melody to the Star Spangled Banner lol....same melody over totally different chords

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My intention is not to hurt feelings, or to sugar-coat, either. A few times I mention a sound or influence or reference I hear and it somehow becomes an "insult." Even though I said I liked this song and others. And maybe you don't know, but I am a southern boy and Molly Hatchet were huge, back in the day. In fact, I should take umbrage at the idea of being compared to Molly Hatchet is some kind of insult. What does that say about me if I like Molly Hatchet and someone else would consider it insulting?

But I don't take it as an insult.

Sorry, just didn't pick up the Coverdale sound. Maybe my ears are messed up and I am not qualified to comment.

So, peace out ...

 

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I said, as I said before, I was GOING for a Coverdale sound....but im not there yet lol.

I dont have anything against Southern Rock at all, or MH....im a Southern boy after all. I just for the life of me dont hear an ounce of Danny Joe anywhere in the vicinity of my voice.

I might TRY to sound like DJB and see how different it is lol

 

Pretty sure you know im not insulted brother, peace

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I like it and it suits it's genre, but if it was improved some it might be something I'd listen to continuously.  So yeah I'm probably not your target audience but I'm excited to witness your progression.  Oh yeah and sorry if my first comment was more offensive than productive my friends tell me I have a douchey way of saying things XD.

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4 hours ago, Collin571 said:

I like it and it suits it's genre, but if it was improved some it might be something I'd listen to continuously.  So yeah I'm probably not your target audience but I'm excited to witness your progression.  Oh yeah and sorry if my first comment was more offensive than productive my friends tell me I have a douchey way of saying things XD.

as a 22 yr old who looks 12, critiquing the work of a 48 yr old, u r fighting an uphill battle lol. (you'll understand that when you r twice as old as u r now)

that being said, any and all feedback is what it is...one should take it for what it's worth. Even if its framed in a douchey way, there may still be some truth to it lol

 

Im sort of at the point in my singing and songwriting where I like about 30% of what I am putting out. In other words I have a lonnnngggg way to go before I really impress MYSELF. So I am not too surprised that others arent too impressed either.

If u take it that I like the singing of Lenny Wolf, Robert Plant, C Cornell, L Staley then u can see I have a ways to go.

And musically I love stuff like old vanHalen, Blue Murder, BulletBoys....yet my vibe so far isnt even in that universe....so I have a ways to go to get nearer the sound that I am after.

Just struggling to find the right drum track is like an endless thing. That in itself determines like 80% of the vibe

 

lastly, production is a HUGE subject...a lot of bland stuff can be made to sound epic and a lot of good songs can sound sucky all due to production. So in addition to singing, writing, and playing the instruments, when you hear one of my originals you are also hearing the production. It's a long uphill slog lol

So a song like this one, conceived, written, recorded, produced all in one day...it aint gonna be perfect lol

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Hi JonJon, I really liked your song man! The INTRO, the guitar work, the VERSES with the low energy vibe and nice guitar arpeggios. Considering it took you one whole day to do it, I would say it is AWESOME. However, now that you had a great start you can improve it, take it to the next level. I agree with MDEW regarding the PRE-CHORUS sounding a bit out of key, BTW good job on setting the mood for the CHORUS by increasing the energy level. It could be the apparent complexity of this section that it is making us project a different melody, or just wanting a different melody. Now, in my opinion, after you done an excellent job with the dynamics of the PRE-CHORUS when you get to the most important part, the CHORUS, it lacks energy. Maybe I'm missing a stronger bass, or vocals sung a bit different, I don't know. I thought the lyrics were suitable for this style of music. Great job overall.

Regarding the Coverdale sound, if I may suggest, you could try to add a bit of cry, especially in the higher parts. You already started adding the creaking/vocal fry. You just need the cry, and some lows too. Keep rocking!

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I think Collin can say what he wishes, because it is just an opinion. I had to go through this myself, and I am older than most everyone here except for MDEW, Bob, and Adolph. I can cover a song like "Leader of the Band" and only two other people in this whole forum even know of that song, at least until we started having threads on it. And none of the young guys commented on it, it was outside of their experience. Which is okay.

Granted, Collin's comments seem more geared toward production values and state of finish. And you said it was not finished, to begin with. Kind of like you saying, "this is blue," and someone else says, "this is blue," and you say, "what do you mean it's blue?"

In the end, we don't get to control the audience, their age, what they like or don't like. It is what it is.

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2 hours ago, ronws said:

I think Collin can say what he wishes, because it is just an opinion.

Sure, anyone can say anything at anytime. But will it carry any weight?

 

Some would find it a bit odd for someone with 25 posts  to start in with adjectives like "bland" etc.....especially if they themselves havent posted any original material. Im not a gardener...so I dont critique gardens. Im not a playwright...so I dont critique plays. Im not a fan of rap at all and im not familiar with it...so why would I critique a rap song?

 

But in any case you are correct. Anyone can critique these songs....and then they can fully expect their critique to be critiqued.

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3 hours ago, JonJon said:

Sure, anyone can say anything at anytime. But will it carry any weight?

 

Some would find it a bit odd for someone with 25 posts  to start in with adjectives like "bland" etc.....especially if they themselves havent posted any original material. Im not a gardener...so I dont critique gardens. Im not a playwright...so I dont critique plays. Im not a fan of rap at all and im not familiar with it...so why would I critique a rap song?

 

But in any case you are correct. Anyone can critique these songs....and then they can fully expect their critique to be critiqued.

This forum is about singing, not specifically original songwriting. In fact, a lot of people may listen but not comment because it is an original song. They have no "original" recording to which to compare and see how your singing fares against some other famous singer because your post is the original. It is what it is.

You might check out my thread on critique in this section. The biggest part is how to receive a critique and some attention to how one can give one. I would hate to see this degenerate into ad hominems. It does not matter if Collin is young or has never written a song. He can state an opinion, accurate or not. I find that your song is anything but bland and would therefore disagree with Collin. But that is just my opinion, from my own set of experiences and sense of aesthetics. So, his possible youth and lack of posting original songs doesn't necessarily disqualify him from commenting.

A member of my family taught me how to read a music staff. I taught myself how to play guitar. But I also took a music theory class in high school with a bunch of other guitar geeks as an easy course. Does that make me more qualified? Not necessarily.

Such are reactions you might get in the real world, playing this for audiences or selling it for downloads. Some are going to like it and buy it. Some will not.

And it can be problematic posting originals and receiving critique, such as in this case, where what you wrote and sang meant something to you but it doesn't mean the same to everyone.

I once posted a cover of a Led Zeppelin song that everyone liked except for one guy. And it wasn't my performance that was the problem. He stated that he never really liked Led Zeppelin music or that style of rock singing. And my thought was, "well, then, why comment at all?" It was better to let it go and later he came to me asking for advice on american pronunciation for his ESL class (he was polish.) And his singing got better and I like to think I was able to help.

Or is it that you post these as a showcase? Not exactly looking for critique. In which case, you might get less response. Many may not respond at all if they have nothing good to say. It is difficult to just showcase in a section that says "review my singing."

Just think to yourself how something can be humurous, even ironic. I did a cover of a couple of country songs and was told I was not country enough. Too precise on my pitch and articulation in one case. Giggle, snicker, oh well ...

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Well mainly I post to share and also for feedback on the singing etc.

Its a little offputting for someone to use a derogatory adjective for something as subjective as lyrics. I mean, its rock n roll.....we arent trying to develop a doctoral thesis.

 

At my age, am I going to lose sleep over it? Nope. If I never play or sing another note of music in my life I don't think the world will care much. So there it is

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