I think the over all theme/story is good. Your second verse is the "redemption" which makes the following choruses seem out of place. Your rhyme scheme is also a bit repetitive, you're using an AABB throughout the entire song. I would recommend switching up the rhyme scheme for the verses and chorus (AABB verse, ABAB Chorus or something) and turn the "redemption" verse into a Bridge with a revised redeemed Chorus. I also wouldn't use the face/face. You've also got a 5 lined verse.. and then a 4 lined verse, it's not evenly distributed. I also just don't feel like you're paining a good picture or digging deep enough. Go to Youtube and search for Pat Pattison - he's the Lyric writing teacher - among other things - at Berklee and has TONS of free vids on youtube about lyric writing, phrasing, etc that will REALLY help you.
Vocally it's very stagnant - but that could be in part to the repetitive nature of the lyrics. Also seems flat in tone. Although there is no music even vocals follow a specific scale or set of notes (not really in a chromatic way, but the scale is like a "family" so you use all the notes in the "family", some of the notes used were flat and/or out of place. GENERALLY sad/low/emotional songs are done in a Minor Scale.
You've got drive and passion, don't ever let that go, you'll need it to push forward. Definitely look into a vocal program - Jaime Vendera's "Raise Your Voice 2nd Edition" is cheap ($30) and covers just about everything except the Theory & songwriting end of it. We'd all like to think that if we're singing with our heart "we don't need no stinkin lessons" but really, you can't be a doctor without schooling, shoot, you can't even work at McDonalds without training so what would make anyone think they can be an effective vocalist without training? I also like Per Bristow's program, but that's a little more expensive.
You can find free places on the internet to learn the basics of Music Theory and Songwriting which will help a lot with structure, layout - even expanding vocabulary. There are also many free online rhyme dictionaries and thesaurus' to find those words you're looking for. Good Luck and don't give up!
