Tomarrow

Please critique my singing on this one. My voice is the male one.

Hello together, I will be glad to hear your opinions and criticism on my song recording: I am interested in your judgments regarding concept, lyrics, arrangement, singing and everything else that enters your mind. As I mentioned in my last topic, don't be considerate. I can take a beating. David

Here's the update: I decided against changing the structure; I want it more to be a short musicalized poem than an epic song. In other words: Rather a statement than a story. I don't find that the words justify telling a story and I don't want to give them a theatrical stage they don't deserve. Not out of modesty, obviously; I want the piece to have integrity. I am still considering playing with the rhytm and dynamics. I focused on the singing this time. I made efforts to achieve a more to-the-point-rhytm, convince with a more straight-forward and identifyable melody and vary the style of expression in each of the six segments. Dissect it.

Thanks for the feedback so far. If I don't answer to something in particular, it only means that I don't have any questions. I enjoy any of your criticism. David, what is a segway? I reckon that your definition of singing requires a certain amount of phrasing and a more legato expression. Is that correct? Bzean123 and David, can you elaborate on your definition of emotion respectively feeling? Do you mean softness or some hint of weakness to contrast the intended aggression and arrogance or does the song not even communicate those two?

I see your point. Less can be more. I'll have to decide whether I want this to be a song in the general sense, requiring me to improve the phrasing and rewrite some parts of the lyrics, or risk this to be a harsh poem reading that might not be understood the way that I intend it to. I will have to decide on my goal and my way. "You are the sunlight in my growing. So little warmth I felt before." I couldn't feel respect for a woman who would be attracted by a man who worshipped her in such a humble way. Also, while I don't consider myself to be that person, I am convinced that it is very well achievable for a man to understand women, as it is achievable to understand human psychology in general. Everything is logical. Have a look at the pick-up-community and mentalist-like artists who are able to influence and read the feelings and thoughts of people better than they are able to themselves. As I implied before when writing about the quality of art, the exceptions don't break the rule. That said, I am obviously chasing some form of exception in this case. I might be wrong in doing so. How to get her to grin aggressively? By challenging her. While I like femininity, I don't regard passivity highly. I enjoy the charm of a soft woman, but I feel uplifted by an unyielding one. Only a strong and self-conscious woman can enjoy a challenge. That isn't a rule exclusive to women.

It does seem droning. I will consider working on the dynamics and structure. "If I treat your song to that judgement, generally, then it would not make it." Tell me why. It is for a woman. It's not meant to coax a lady, but to tease a vamp. It's not meant to provoke tears, but to challenge a grin in an aggressive way. That's not an approach that will work for the majority of the women that I know; they will rather be offended. But I'm not sure that's what you meant. Clarify. I believe I can take your rough side as far as words go. I wouldn't know about that in a bar fight; it's not the thing that crossed my mind. I see that most people prefer harmony over conflict. They don't feel the love. But I don't expect you to get yourself banned to prove me wrong. The thing I am looking for is not even sarcasm or biting wit. Although I can accept these, my object of desire is ruthless honesty. The truth can be hard to swallow, but only a lie will make you sick. Sugar-coated truths become annoying once you realize what little good they do to you.

You are right about the pitch. That's indeed useful. But you are wrong in saying that I don't want to hear opinions. It's the first thing I wrote I do want to hear. Don't people use to confront each other with opinions here? If not, why? While pitch and technicalities are very important, you can't rationalize art down to them. An expression of art is also an expression of values and ideas. If those are not allowed to be confronted, there is no point in expressing them. I see that I must explain what I mean by conceptual integrity. I feel that throughout the piece, there is no constant style that I can point my finger to. It fluctuates and feels a bit nervous to me, apart from the breathing problem. If speaking on pitch had been my concept, Davids comment would have reassured me. It's more the lack of concept that I see. Do you feel that the every piece of the melody is a part of the whole? Does every component and detail of the singing serve it's purpose or are many of them distractions that I oversee due to my familiarity with the song? I was certain that this would be obvious to outsiders. Possibly it is only my own shortcoming. Yes, I want artistic opinions. Tell me that my voice isn't able to transport the lyrics if that is what you feel. Such a truth is also a fact, even when more subjective than pitch.

ronws, I realize that most singers demand consideration for their sensitivity. While I don't claim not to care, I wrote you not to be nice for a reason. I believe that wariness has no place in criticism as it robs the artist of the chance to improve. The fact that you are subjective is nothing that should force you to humble your opinion; it is a fact that I must be strong enough to realize myself. I do believe in objective criteria in the quality of art. I also believe in individuality. While I acknowledge that one can not please virtually anyone, I believe it a rather avoiding approach to state that it isn't the fault of the artist when he fails to move his audience. The artist must, at least, define his audience, to be able to judge his success. To refuse to do this means relief in the short and unknowing agony in the long term. How do you know when to be satisfied when you do not know what you want to achieve? I'd rather be certain of my failure than to convince myself that I don't want to succeed. Of course, the goal can be of another kind, for example the wish to create an artwork of integrity, following some strict concept and omitting anything that doesn't pertain to that. But neither then is success relative. I didn't ask whether you were seduced. Had I asked, I would not have wanted you to relativize your feedback. Regarding this goal, you are not my audience. My audience regarding this goal will consist of one person. And that kind of possible failure is not relative; it is an absolute. I felt that my singing lacked some sort of conceptual integrity. I would've felt happy to have that feeling confirmed by professionals. I would've felt ardent joy to have it explained and given the chance to choose to improve or give up. Thank you for your opinion. Feel invited to disagree with mine. David, how do you define singing?

I reckon that another structure would sell better. I use to be very focused on lyrics. This song is not meant to sell, it's meant to seduce. Scotland is a bit off; I'm a Czech born in Germany. There may be similarities, but I find myself most inspired by the British accent.

Acknowledged. It is an original. I am more interested in feedback to my singing.

Tell me your opinion. Don't be nice to me.