Jugulator Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I'd like you to listen and strongly criticize an original song "Overtime workdays" by "Pokrovsk Alliance" with my voice. I'm also the author of the lyrics and video. I need your opinion regarding the song, lyrics, and video. Thank you very much in advance. Here is the video: Lyrics: verse 1 Silent factory is here Lights go down across the shop A lonely lamp is only near Lighting bright as daylight In the dark A lonely turner working Above the mark Chorus Overtime workdays He will need anyways To make extra money In the name of his honey… verse 2 Chosen worthy part to play He was taught to keep away From deceiving anyway Be a good example To the crowd Walk along the lifetime Floodlit out Chorus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronws Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Bravo! For a few reasons. A) Singing your own stuff, for this is where you will shine. Well written song with an excellent story. The subject matter makes me think of the strong images of "Blue Collar Man" by STYX. C) Excellent use of concept in the video. D) Compliments to your bandmates. An excellent guitar solo that is not over the top but is not bland, either. Do that some more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jugulator Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 ronws, thank you very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jugulator Posted July 8, 2011 Author Share Posted July 8, 2011 I'd appreciate if you read and discuss the following lyrics for a new song... Are there any errors? Does it sound good enough? Thanks a lot. (You're) Not alone Don’t try to think that you’re the one, ‘Cause in the whole world you’re not alone, Not alone… The world is hard to change its way, There ain’t no choice, we gotta stay. And if you want to cross the line, Don’t do it fool, stop wasting your time. Look ahead – The Earth is splendid and ever not the same. You’re living here sure not in vain. You’re living here sure not in vain. Solo The world is hard to change its way, There ain’t no choice, we gotta stay. There ain’t no choice, we gotta stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronws Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 A very clear and concise song against suicide. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jugulator Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 A very clear and concise song against suicide. Well done. Thanks. But don't you think "there ain't no choice" sounds wrong? Maybe "there is no choice" will do better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronws Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 It's a matter of dialect. Americans, especially americans from southern states will say ain't. I am used to hearing the word so it didn't jump out as wrongly phrased, to me. So, it depends on the dialect or accent you are wanting to achieve. Ain't is also informal and brings you closer to the listener. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jugulator Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 ronws, thank you for the explanation! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jugulator Posted July 23, 2011 Author Share Posted July 23, 2011 A new song is out now! It is called "I remember" and can be found here: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
analog Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 Lighting bright as daylight In the dark A lonely turner working Above the mark As an English/Literature major and lifelong songwriter...cool fuckin' line!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jugulator Posted July 23, 2011 Author Share Posted July 23, 2011 As an English/Literature major and lifelong songwriter...cool fuckin' line!!! Really? Oh, man, thanks. I'm just a beginning songwriter, have no experience at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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