Advice on an original song - Prog Metal

[Xamedhi]

Hey all!  I've been working with my new band on this song. Our first one, haha.  I've done the vocal lines and lyrics ( If someone would like the lyrics I can provide them   They're in spanish )

I'm asking, though, only about the singing, not the composition itself, please. I want to avoid external influence in that regard because I really feel that if people likes it, it must be something made 100% by us, haha.  Singing I accept, because I have suuuuch a long road ahead  x.x

I'd like to know if you like the background high melody on the chorus part 1:48 ( It's too loud in the mix, but even though, I personally would take it out )

https://app.box.com/s/646d74uugn320bwbzvk3cj5aryc6u5r7

[Javastorm]

As far as the singing goes, it worked for me for the first minute and a half. After that it sounded like the vocal line was...competing with the rest of the sound rather than carrying it? If that makes sense. The melody felt kind of disjointed in parts, although I don't know if you're going for a melodic sound or an aggressive, dissonant sound. The quality of the vocals seemed good throughout, but I agree about the high melody at 1:48- it didn't sit right with me either. From 3:13ish to the end, it sounded like that section needed a little more closure to really add punch to the sound. The phrasing was good I think, but the melody line could use some work in places to become stronger, depending on what you want. Thanks for sharing! If you can pull this off it will be great.

[Robert Lunte]

Prog? Did someone say Prog?!  Me likey... me here!

 

"X"

• Great job just getting a band together and writing original songs.. that is an achievement as you know in itself... it is already impressive before the first note plays.

 

• What language is this? It will shed some insights on the vowels, etc...

 

• The configuration of your voice; compression, agility, color, etc.. seems good to me. However...

 

• .... "X", this is pitchy... May I suggest that you stand next to a keyboard for several hours and literally "TOUCH" the notes and see the intervals in your mind... and reinforce these notes... particularly on the verses at first.  And ESPECIALLY FOR POLY-RHYTHMIC STUFF LIKE THIS, YOU ARE SWING OUT THERE PRETTY NAKED TRYING to find melody with this accompaniment, I know it is hard, but all the more reason to stick like glue to a keyboard in the beginning to make sure the notes are right.

 

• 2:52... I like this part... it seems to release the tension that was being built on the versus and it opens up... it "soars" and the melody is simpler and is not pitchy... I recognize that is kind of the idea you were going with, but just reinforcing that it sounded nice... you might want to think about turning up your vocals on this part, it was a bit quiet.

A very cool song that could be even more cool IF... the verses at the beginning were tuned a bit better.

I hope this helps bro... Nice work with a  VERY difficult task...

[KillerKu]

There is a dissonance that sounds kind of arty to me in the vocals. It isn't just on the section you mentioned, but earlier on where there is a double vocal they  kind of sit together tensely, but almost consistently so. I wasn't sure if it was intentional. I've heard some artists go for a bit more aggression, darkness, and despair by having vocals more tensely pitched, and it works to my ears, but without the lyrics or intent of the song it's difficult for me to get my ear around it for sure.

If you were to do what Rob said and grab a keyboard and stay on every note, it would resolve the tension and have more of a mainstream sound. It's too tense for radio, but in the right circumstances I can identity with it cause for me a lot of times that's just how life feels as a human being trying to fit into a structured or even mechanically tuned environment. 

Aside from that your voice sounds placed well, has a good timbre, and sounds pretty much in control and in command. I think you fit well into this band and are a good fit for the band's prog style.  You didn't want compositional impressions, but I did think the composition had quite a bit of energy.

As radio music, it's not designed to give listeners enough 'release.' But as a young band making art music. I think it is cool. Sometimes I wish a track like yours would be released on the radio. To challenge listeners and have the ability to reach alienated ears, but it's not to be, and certainly not right now where everything is pitch corrected all the time so a fair portion of tension that used to exist just doesn't exist in music and it's all release, sugary and so forth and fails to express a fair portion of the human experience which isn't all roses and sometimes has conflict.

[Xamedhi]

Thanks you so much guys for the input!!  It was incredibly helpful    

We are going for a crazy sound. Dynamics, changes, we really want the music to be in service of the feeling. We're thinking about adding a couple of growls in there. We are inspired mostly by Karnivool, Tool, Pain of Salvation, but we have very different influences. The guy who is making the music is more metalcore, while the other guitarrist likes minimalistic atmosferic stuff. And I'm actually looking for a bassist that has a good sense for funky rythms ( Like Pain of Salvation does in some songs )

This is a very raw and early version of it, the instrumental was recorded with one guitar, digital bass and EZdrummer.  And the voice with a cheap $50 dollar USB mic, lol. Also, the song is not finished yet, it'll probably be a long song.

Now, related to pitch. Yes, it is VERY pitchy  . So indeed, I have to study this song a lot. I sometimes forget what the notes were actually, as I don't hear the MIDI often ( my bad ). So yes, thank you very much for making me see that I've been a bit lazy on that side :S   

Now as far as interpretation goes, first these are the lyrics, they are in spanish.
The idea of the song is, that the guy who's singing, wants to do something he really loves badly... ( music ), but he has the pressure of his family that tell him he won't be any good and will fail. They want him to study something "real":

 

No cambias nada                                                  You don't change anything                                    /this verse is the parents speaking to 
Cargando el mar bajo la piel                                 Carrying the water beneath your skin                     him, telling him that his dreams
Cae la emboscada                                                 The ambush comes down ( or drops, idk)              won't be any good, and he'll fail
Ya ves, tu almohada no va a florecer                    You see, your pillow won't blossom                        better follow the masses

 

Puedo saborear mi inconciencia                             I can savour my unconsciousness                  / this is him, confused, struggling, not 
Ocultar mi error                                                       Hide my mistake                                                 knowing what to feel or do

 

No escondas que es                                     Don't hide it is                                                             / this is him talking to his parents
el miedo el que te impide ser                        fear that prevents you from being                                realizing that they're afraid of 
No permitiré                                                   I won't let                                                                      chasing their dreams, 
el veneno me afecte también                       The poison affect me too                                             which stops them from feeling

                                                                                                                                                           complete. He doesn't want it to happen                                                                                                                                                               to him too.

No dejaré que                                                I won't let it                                                               /This one is more literal, lol
infecte mi voz                                                 infect my voice
no detendrá                                                  it won't stop
mi sangre, la pasión                                      my blood, the passion

 

Chorus

Llevo las marcas en mi piel                               I have the marks on my skin                  / the chorus is him, again travelling through
Palabras vacías, en gozo y agonía.                  Empty words, in joy and agony                his emotions. 
Un lamento                                                        A lament                                                    Carrying the mark of the "followers".
se pierde en la ciudad                                        Is lost in the city                                        Crying for freedom

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My idea is to sing it a lot more powerful, I'm training a lot to achieve the sound I want  ( I've been only studying a year and a half only so I have a lot ahead )  But my voice works for what I need it for now.

The line in 2:52 was just a placeholder, though. I don't know if we'll have lyrics in there or what. I like it the way it is though, but recorded with better quality, lol

 

 

I need to work in some vowels. The higher part in " Ocultar mi error", I think is too narrow. Probably we'll have to change the word to make it more open, because in spanish we don't usually modify vowels as badly as you can do in english ( :ehem: "I'm looking at you James LaBrie, lol" )

Are there more vowels you think could be better?

Thanks again for all the comments, guys!! You are awesome  !! 

EDIT : 

This is how it sounds without the high part in the chorus 
https://app.box.com/s/ld5j1l76y9hdsx8ohk4wjzd4zx6j8sjj

 

[Musikman7002]

Hi, I like the overall vibe you have going here. I am not sure if you are familiar with Pyramaze but they are a bit in the same vein as you and their new singer is super great at righting sweeping melody that still sounds tough and powerful kinda  Jeff Scott Soto-ish.  I think you could tear up a vocal like this.

 

 

[Xamedhi]

Musikman!  What an awesome band!  I had no idea they existed     I liked a lot the music, the atmosferic vibe they have, while still being powerful. The vocalist is just superb \m/

I will probably try to learn their material, I feel the singing style could fit my voice ( I may be wrong, lol )

Thanks, man  !