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My song I wrote

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Cayden29
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https://soundcloud.com/cayden-sob/the-real-you

Tell me what you think. PLEASE and maybe help with it? If you see any pitch issues and stuff don't be afraid to blurt it out and also. ... DON'T READ THIS AND SKIP OVER IT! I like feedback!

My memories of you will never be the same

Your memories of me will just fade away

Nothing turned out the way we wanted it to

From the start I thought we were true

Everything was real but you

I close my eyes to see your face

I turn around to see I've been replaced

Now I know I know it's true

I guess I never knew the real you

I close my eyes to see your face

I turn around to see the devils face

Now I know I know it's time

To say goodbye

Listen to me I say

Thanks to you I found my way

It's all because you strayed

I got a car in my own name

I got a job making way more than you make

I got a house worth 800K

It's all because you strayed

I close my eyes to see your face

I turn around to see I've been replaced

Now I know I know it's true

I guess I never knew the real you

I close my eyes to see your face

I turn around to see the devils face

Now I know I know it's time

To say goodbye

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I think the over all theme/story is good. Your second verse is the "redemption" which makes the following choruses seem out of place. Your rhyme scheme is also a bit repetitive, you're using an AABB throughout the entire song. I would recommend switching up the rhyme scheme for the verses and chorus (AABB verse, ABAB Chorus or something) and turn the "redemption" verse into a Bridge with a revised redeemed Chorus. I also wouldn't use the face/face. You've also got a 5 lined verse.. and then a 4 lined verse, it's not evenly distributed. I also just don't feel like you're paining a good picture or digging deep enough. Go to Youtube and search for Pat Pattison - he's the Lyric writing teacher - among other things - at Berklee and has TONS of free vids on youtube about lyric writing, phrasing, etc that will REALLY help you.

Vocally it's very stagnant - but that could be in part to the repetitive nature of the lyrics. Also seems flat in tone. Although there is no music even vocals follow a specific scale or set of notes (not really in a chromatic way, but the scale is like a "family" so you use all the notes in the "family", some of the notes used were flat and/or out of place. GENERALLY sad/low/emotional songs are done in a Minor Scale.

You've got drive and passion, don't ever let that go, you'll need it to push forward. Definitely look into a vocal program - Jaime Vendera's "Raise Your Voice 2nd Edition" is cheap ($30) and covers just about everything except the Theory & songwriting end of it. We'd all like to think that if we're singing with our heart "we don't need no stinkin lessons" but really, you can't be a doctor without schooling, shoot, you can't even work at McDonalds without training so what would make anyone think they can be an effective vocalist without training? I also like Per Bristow's program, but that's a little more expensive.

You can find free places on the internet to learn the basics of Music Theory and Songwriting which will help a lot with structure, layout - even expanding vocabulary. There are also many free online rhyme dictionaries and thesaurus' to find those words you're looking for. Good Luck and don't give up!

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I agree in the sense that some music in harmony with the vocals would give some depth and help the melody make more sense because the melody is in such a tight field. That is, the vocal line does not cover a lot of range but that is not a bad thing.

Because here is where you can get away with writing in this format and where I would disagree with Heithinn. Because you could also write a song that ABAB all the way through if you wanted to and make a million dollars. Listen to most anything by REM but especially "One I Love." Michael Stipe sings a relatively smaller vocal line than other singers and most of the harmonic movement is from the band instruments.

Or listen to a number of songs by ZZ Top (that little 'ole band from Houston.)

This is a good song with a strong story. I'd say, flesh this out into a full arrangement. And I think it is a cross-over. I could also hear it as a country song. If you publish and get it registered with ASCAP, people will be paying you to let them record your song. Songwriters get more regular paychecks than performing artists.

And another bit of encouragement. AWARD-WINNING (yes, I did shout) songwriter James Blume is not a fantastic singer, can't play guitar and can plink just a few notes on piano. His song ideas sound exactly like your file. Sometimes not even in one file but several snippets that he later chains together. Then he gets with a colleague who plays several instruments and they build an arrangement from there.

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Some more thoughts to give you encouragement. I recently read the autobiography of Michael Bolton. I personally don't follow his music all that much but he is a brilliant guy, humble, funny and his life is an instruction for us all to be open to opportunity.

He fancied himself a rocker. 8 failed album deals and tour deals later, a producer who was working his next album said, all these songs you wrote for others really sound great in your own voice. And I have always loved your cover of "Dock of the Bay." And rather than stubbornly resist and insist he was a "rock singer," he gave the r&b and soul part of his voice a chance and "BOOM!", an overnight success after 20 years of beating his head against the wall. I am not saying that the decades of experience made him a success. I am saying that the opportunity and flexibility to try something new did.

Later, he did take vocal lessons and that was to clean up his voice. People think he studied to get the rasp. He did not. It was always there, even as an "untrained" teenager. He took opera lessons to prepare for singing with Pavarotti and then, later, his classical album of arias, a true labor of love that spent 6 consecutive weeks at #1 on the classical charts, believe it or not, in spite of the protestations of opera "purists" and armchair critics.

So, when you do record this song, don't be afraid to try different arrangements. I can hear in your voice that you are an r&b singer. Don't be afraid to country-fy it, too. You can be the next Lionel Richie. Or Aaron Neville. Or, Pharrel Williams, who seems to be everywhere, now. And you can record your own stuff, like Richard Marx.

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