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New Song I Wrote (critique)

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Chapman123
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I love the timbre, your inflection, love the movement of the melodies, the harmonic structures, and lyrics are really your own.

 

The most helpful observation I can think of is the phrasing feels a bit quick and cluttered which could make the sound a bit less immediate to a listener. This is a stylistic thing, but if you were to add more space and let the song breath a bit more before entering a new line, and hold certain notes out a bit longer, I think some of these melodies could take a more call and response format, which would be more immediate to a listener's ears.

 

Forgive the text, but picture Picture like.

 

A dun dunnnnnnnn, da da da dadada dunnnnnn.............. (pausing, almost like a breath spot)

a  dadadada   da  dunnn...,  dada da  duuunnnnnnnnn ....... (almost like a response to the prior line)

 

You see like variance in the lengths of the notes, and the distances? It can give the listener time to breath.

 

Harmonically, melodically, I really dig it. It's innovative, off in it's own nook. It might be able to be interpreted more immediately without losing the beauty and originality. If I get 'loud' time soon, I might give you a jazzy scat kind of interpretation.

 

Another thing with phrasing that helped me, was to take one hand and hold a down beat (1,2,3,4), and take another and tap out the words rhythmically like a drum, forgetting even the melody for a moment. A tip a tap, a tippity tap. Focus solely on the rhythm.

 

You mentioned Elliot Smith in a previous post. He tends to have more immediate phrasing than Drake. So if you're interested in the idea, you could take some inspiration in phrasing from Elliot, while taking some timbre and harmonic clusters from Drake, maybe getting a best of both worlds, immediacy with harmony.

 

Anyway, I love seeing your work up here. Just keep going. Keep writing. Keep singing. Your voice is already really good for this style of music. It's better than I could do. I really believe songcraft is a great thing for you to focus on. I'd love if you could find immediacy with listeners.

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I liked it, Chapman. I have a vision different than Killer's.

 

I see this take, exactly as is, no fancier sonic treatments in a movie. Or even an episode of Bones or Scorpion. That is called synchronous license, for music that is synchronized with moving pictures (whether film, videotape, or digital format such as DVD or blu ray.)

 

So, the vision I have for you is that you have this copyrighted. First means of copyright is first version audible to others beside yourself. Normally, it would be the date stamp on the file on your computer. Here, it would be the date stamp on the file sharing site when you posted it. That becomes the first time anyone in the world could hear it. But still, you want it registered with the copyright office.

 

And you shop it around to music managers at studios. Ken Tamplin once had a thread here with all the actual names of people in the business, not just a&r people at record labels. Let's say you want to pitch this to the music collecting guy at ABC. He had that info, that guys name and contact info.

 

The next part of the vision is where ASCAP or SESAC, depending on where you are, is sending you, Chapman, a royalty check for each time the episode is aired. If in a movie, each run in the movie house, whether premiere run or second run in a dollar movie house (which are nearly extinct.) Each unit sold on a DVD. Each unit rented for however many days on a DVD.

 

And then some advertising firm wants to use at least part of it in an 30 second or 60 second spot they are are developing for half-time at the Super Bowl, the most expensive advertisement time slot in the business.

 

So, you should probably also get a lawyer.

 

Which is my vision for you, however nightmarish it may be,

 

Jon Bon Jovi said it best. You have your whole young life to write your first album or song. And considerably less time to do the next one following it up.

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Great ear, Ronws. It is very soundtracky. Immediate sounds are significantly less important in movie soundtracks, so I wasn't even thinking of this.

 

Very good advice. Yeah man, copyright your stuff right now. It's good already. You're beginnig your path as a songwriter and you will be able to post anything here safely from this perspective. You can show us whatever you want after that, but protecting it first as is, is your best bet.

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I know lot of unknown people who cares a lot for copywritng their stuff that in my opinion no one would ever copy because they are bull shit... I want you to know that nothing that I have just said goes with you... so, maybe you better copywrite your stuff

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Wow, I was not expecting this kind of response at all, you're all very kind and you all startled me. You're right about the nightmare Ronws, I had a minor heart attack for a second haha! Thanks for the feedback everyone, I will get a professional recording(maybe fine tune some things) and copywrite it. I like Bon Jovi's quote, I better get writing. Happy New Years by the way :)

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Wow, man! You really have something unique here. Like somebody said in the old Eddie Vedder discussion, you can train all the vocal technique you want but in the end it's just a means to a purpose and not something that will transform you into an artist. This was truly beautiful and you sir are an artist! :) Looking forward to more songs from you.

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Wow, man! You really have something unique here. Like somebody said in the old Eddie Vedder discussion, you can train all the vocal technique you want but in the end it's just a means to a purpose and not something that will transform you into an artist. This was truly beautiful and you sir are an artist! :) Looking forward to more songs from you.

 

I think this could be a beautiful place for artists to get feedback and ideas on art of singing in the context of songwriting as well as technique. I know of basically no other site that is poised to offer such a thing with an active critique section already in motion.

 

As long as we have Ronws, all is well. Artistic types have been getting screwed over since the industry began by having our hearts on our sleeves. Singing dum contructs, being naive, not being business minded, etc. Luckily we've got a tough nosed biker turned laywer to set us straight.

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Killer, i totally agree with you on giving a song space to breathe. That is one of my favorite things to do. However, it feels this song would lose alot of its fire if he did that here. I am not even really a fan of quick paced stuff like this, however i like this piece. He really pulls off something pretty neat here.

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Killer, i totally agree with you on giving a song space to breathe. That is one of my favorite things to do. However, it feels this song would lose alot of its fire if he did that here. I am not even really a fan of quick paced stuff like this, however i like this piece. He really pulls off something pretty neat here.

 

That's cool feedback. It's very helpful for people to hear numerous perspectives. Thanks for giving a direct counterpoint, so Chapman can hear both sides.

 

To be honest, once Ronws hit the point of a movie soundtrack, I think it's pretty much perfect as is. I was thinking more of on the level of an ear catcher that people could dissect more quickly.

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